Sunday, May 3, 2009

Finding the Right Path

Lately I've been feeling a little lost, like maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere. Things just haven't been going according to plan. I feel like I need to head in a new direction, but I am not sure which way to go.

I've been thinking about what went wrong, and what I might be able to do to get back on the right path. But first I need to figure out which path is the right one for me at this point.

I'm doing a lot of soul searching. I feel my goals have pretty much stayed the same, but I wonder if maybe my timing is off. Or maybe this is the right time, and I just need to step things up.

I find myself thinking:

What is keeping me from getting what I really want?

What do I need to do to achieve what I want?

Sometimes our plans get derailed. I had started out the year wanting to get back to work. For now, my job search is on hold until I can decide whether this is something I really want to do right now and work through some of my concerns about becoming employed again as a person with MS.

I had lunch with a former co-worker the other day, who is now looking for work, and we talked about the fact that I have very specific needs when it comes to a job. Obviously, there are things I cannot do, and my fatigue is going to limit the number of hours I can work. I told her I just don't think I can find the job that is right for me. She encouraged me to stay positive, which is good advice of course. But I am still having doubts about finding a job.

I think sometimes in life it's okay to take time to make sure we are headed in the right direction. Sometimes we need time to reflect on the situation and do some self examination.

In looking over what has made me lose my way, I find there are both external and internal circumstances.

External circumstances - Unfortunately there are those things that happen in our lives that we can't control - we lose a job, we have an illness in the family - sometimes forcing us to put plans on hold or change paths.

Internal circumstances may also play a role. Like uncertainty that keeps us from deciding on a path or fear that keeps us from staying on a path. Sometimes as we start to pursue our goals, we worry about failing and we stop in our tracks, afraid to move forward.

My biggest problem is that I find myself in the above situation. It's frustrating wanting to make changes in your life and at the same time irrationally delaying doing so. In large part I know what is keeping me from pursuing my goals and getting what I want out of life is me. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

I do fear failing, and sometimes I question whether my goals are even really reachable. I sabotage myself; I second guess myself constantly. In deciding what path to take, I have to make sure I can overcome my fears and follow it.

The external circumstances are difficult to deal with because they can't be controlled. I can't change the fact that I have MS, but I know it does not have to interfere with my pursuit of the things I want in life. It may not be as easy to get there, though. It may take more time.

It's a struggle to balance our dreams with the things we need to do. Fatigue gets in the way sometimes. Stress gets in the way. Some things were easier when I was working, but I wasn't able to make the time to pursue my goals. Now I have more time, but less energy. I have been trying to balance those two things when it comes to doing the things I need to do, but not in doing the things I want to do.

This blog has been helping me to get my thoughts out and express how I feel about life and being appreciative of it. I find it very therapeutic to let my thoughts kind of ramble. This is something I would like to continue doing.

As for finding the path that is right for me, I think if I take some time to figure things out, try to have a positive outlook, try to see possibilities instead of impossibilities, and try to use more of my energy to pursue my goals that I will find it.

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